R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have aggressive nipples.