And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent