I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.