She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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