Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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