Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
