I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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