Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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