I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
