best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
