I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
