you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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