my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
