I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
