My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
