I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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