He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm having to shit out rocks
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