She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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