Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You need a sexual gate keeper
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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