It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
