The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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