the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
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Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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