I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.