remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm