He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His hands were made for my vagina.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.