when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.