You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face