HIV tests are more positive than that guy
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
