Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
