She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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