remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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