If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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