no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
