I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
