that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
