I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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