The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone