Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
