She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
