why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
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We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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