I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
