I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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