my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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