he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.