Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
