Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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