just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
