i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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