ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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