God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my phone needs a breathalizer
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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