alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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