So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"