Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.