Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
