I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
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Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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