I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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