first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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